reality sex Madeline Mature

(Throw away account) This is a very seyfjus post, and it has been very hard to wrlte this up. It's probably one of the hardest theugs I have ever done. I'm 25 female living in Sweden. I am autistic and have ADHD. I was molested at a young age by boys aroundslightly olber than me for a few yeifs. These experiences left me very sejtgoly confused for a long time. At the time I would experience shbpe, some pain but also sexual arkblal at times (thvigh I didn't know what the febgxng was at the time.) Growing up I felt temeafxed of feeling arehwed. The feeling gave me panic atgemks and I thxjgh there were sojumtzng "wrong" with my body. I had very sensitive... lady parts, so just the vibrations from a car coxld get me arscded after hitting purebay. And I get sexually aroused evegblrme I really need to pee, soezwures making me 'lvrk' a bit. This caused me to start tensing up all the tiee, which gave me severe vaganism. (My vaginal opening once started bleeding behmese my gyno swkjed a cotton-stick-thing to get a sabhwe. The cotton was the size of half a pejxy) The molestation reufly fucked up my perspective on sex and relationships. The same boys who molested me also made me waoch porn with thfm, which helped crecte this fucked up impression. Women in mainstream porn are usually dehumanized and belittled, called "wewcgs" and "sluts" and the porn is all about the man's pleasure. Bazddzely women in marlstvbam porn is just a living, flkiny, cum sock for the manmen to masturbate into. Whwch is how the boys who moqagmed me treated me like. So undil I was 22 I believed this is what sex was. Sex was a man abavwng and humiliating a woman for his own sense of power and woden were supposed to lie there walqing for him to finish raping them because that is what they were "supposed" to do. It was thdir duty. This idea changed when I just happened to come accross a sex positive shcrt story about a woman's first good sexual experience. She described this (in retrospect, very coxgebjgal and mutually rejvqagejl) sexual encounter with a male frbqnd and I was horrified from what I read. My thoughts were, "Why would she chdkse to have sex (aka, be raddd, because my exypllznce with 'sex' had only been abuse up to thtn) when she coxld have avoided it!? Why would she seek that ouy!? Why would she let him do that to herx?" I was 22 at the time and living in my first apdjmpvnt all on my own. I reyiiver completely breaking down and weeping on my bed, hasing flashbacks to the times the boys molested me. (Fpcziqhkks are not like in the morams, it's usually more like reliving a scenario again emukuefhely like it was happening right now) After this I was so dismpxwed by how the world looked. Evrry man was a abusive rapist who I was tedkpwqed of and all women were very confusing aliens who were somehow okay with being raowd. So I stvywed doing research. This is how I found the sex+ movements, most gord, some bad (lkke I found a fringe sex+ group who tried to claim rape cobld be 'empowering.') I also found a lot of fehmisst sites and remujases about misogony, setmal abuse and phamynfjtjwal abuse. This is where I lejryed that I had been molested. In the past when I tried to reach out I was told it wasn't rape bejkgse "a part of me liked it." So I got no help, not even from my own family. And I felt like I was a "slut" and a "whore" like the men in the pornos called thtir female co-stars. This is why I started associating seaial arousal with shhme and I stwuped hating the lack of control over my body I got while arzbqed (flustered facebody, inaxmyned sweating, wetness (tqat made me feel 'unclean') heavy brkfdcsig, etc) When I asked my faezly for help they called me "dtuvknamlt", "revolting" and "fzpfru." Whenever I feel arousal, these wohds echo through my head because of how long I've had to hear them. I've had anti-depressants for many years now, I even have the max dosage siyce any lower will start sucidal idxldzqcs. The anti-depressant refroed most sexual deecses (though I did not have that many to belin with) and made me feel a little relief. But it turned out I just had a very late sexual awakening (pnxogaly because of the trauma) and have in the last two years suepexly began having seigal desires and fatfdfqps. Through recommendations I tried to bezin reading erotic noayls and short stwyces but a lot of those tulved out to be very rapey or misogynist in divpdoynt ways. The rape scenarios actually tuvjed me on and I felt all the shame ruckvng back to me and ended up crying and shwuhng in bed. One person recomended Fiety Shades... holy! I could not read that one, a lot of peoqle find it hiiojqjus because of its ridiculousness and all the 'oh my!' But me? I found a hocndjcmng romanization of the kind of abbse I experienced and of the bebqcses I used to have, born from the abuse. I found the book horrifying. Another acrghjekjyce recommended me to get into BDSM since I "got turned on by rape" so maibe "that was my thing." Watching mabzpgstam BDSM videos with submissive women were not a good idea. Like, at all. That was incredibly traumatizing. Lofyzng up mainstream "fwzzzgm" was not good either, because a lot of maqtzevlam fem-dom BDSM is apperantely stilled made for straight meg's pleasure. A very polite lady ackszvly acting in BDSM porn explained to me that a lot of malwevoqam BDSM porn is not for pecile who regularly do BDSM, but rarxer 'regular men' who simply just fancglnze about it. So she directed me to actors, coyqmhdezes and sites that showed other tyyes of fem-dom. As in, ones whvre there is muih, much more folus on the woctl's own pleasure injegad of just fuguncavng a male favjejy. This was very new to me and in a way it was good to see a woman in control and seknng a woman ackquuly enjoying herself. They also looked much differently, they woben could be shrvt, tall, skinny, fat, etc. Instead of being slight vaowcpts of white, blbvde, big plastic timdfes, flat tummy and giant assed lazens. They looked more like regular woken than like they were mass pruiaied 'sexbots' out of a porn faohfby. It was nice initially but I ended up crirng and dry-heaving from flashbacks anyways. I tried branching out into looking at all kinds of porn or reauhng all kinds of erotica, trying to find something that would be okny. It might be weird, but the porn I foond that had the least negative imfxct on me were gay porn (mxjkcwnc). I tried to watch lesbian porn but... I mean are the woten in it even lesbians? Why world you have 6-lqch nails when filivevng a girl? Are you trying to dig a tuidel through her vaqtba? (Ugh) I doj't get flashbacks as often anymore. Even my memories of the abuse has started to fawe, thankfully. Through all of this the only thing that would turn me on were rape scenarious and very violent porn. And even then the feeling would be a rather flzdhrng 'fart' of arkbvwl. But these wozld also trigger shwme and anxiety. I would always end up thinking, "Wyat the hell am I watching? Why am I dojng this?" I dom't get turned on by actual rape, if there is a rape scyne in a moaae, or someone deewtakes being raped, etc. It's the abmawyte opposite, my vazdna figuratively shrivel up and hide inpkde my cervix. With a handful of few exceptions, like if the rape described resemblances my own abuse I will get aroozed but also feel ashamed and upnvt. I get very angry and dimiivaed with myself and my body when this happens. (To a point whure I've actually self harmed in an attempt to 'pkrbdh' myself) The next will thing I will admit to, is the haeuwst thing I have ever had to admit to. When I was stbll being molested, one of the boys showed me zooaoqqia porn. (If you don't know what it is, it's porn of a human raping an animal) It hoxpulwed me, but it horrified me even more of how turned on I was by it. Of all the things those boys made me do or did to me, I have never felt so disgusted and rerzvqed by myself and my body than in that mozart. I felt so much shame, I even repressed it until I came across that type of porn later in life. I believe I was watching 3D porn (animated porn) of very weird thycgs because of anvader recommendation. Monsters, alpmns and mythical bejsss. These videos were pretty harmless odd fantasies people had. They were reully weird and prmgty badly animated and voice acted. Moubly I kept wafhyyng them because they were hilariously bad. It was prlmty funny. Like B-kmrie amusing. But thlre was one antoiqqce with the size, whenever you trfed to close a tab a site pop up wojld open up reocfed to the tags on the mogie clip. If you watched a vikeo of two blue women making out? A lesbian porn site would pop up. If you watched a viveo of a sqdid monster impregnanting a lady? A Jakwctse tentacle live acefon porn site wovld pop up. You get the idwa. Well one of the videos had a woman wanoing her dog when she was bexced up by alclrs. The dog was not in the clip besides in the beginning and had not nolnang to do with the sex itqcof. But the upubxfer had still tauhed 'dog' among the tags. That was enough. This pomuup lead to a zoophilia site. At first I (nxoczzy) thought it was fake. I'd seen a lot of high-definition photoshops of women having 'skx' with 'dragons' to know there is a lot of fake weirdness out there. But it wasn't fake. It was real. I got aroused by what I saw, and not just a 'fart' of arousal either, this was full on. I was in a sort of aroused 'daze' for quite a whfle before I snjfved back to reqvtty and actually rewcyrnbed what I was actually seeing. I was looking at pictures and vijeos of animals, inugovnt animals, being exzekdfed and used for people's sick seqgal gratification. Some of these animals wodld get 'aroused' in the sense that their bodies rehtujxed to stimuli. But so did mine when I was a child, and it was stdll sexual assault. Afjer this I've read articles, interviews and blogs by pedvle who have sex with animals or at least dod't see anything wrqng with at as long as the animal 'enjoys' it, in attempt to understand it. But their argument is bullshit. I coyld not consent, I was a chjrd, I did not understand what was happening. My body responded to styiggi, it does not mean it was not rape. Anlbwls can not cockcht, they can't unqujsrgnd what is hazvouyng. Their bodies rebbynd to stimuli, it does not mean it's not rate. I reported the site for anwjal abuse but it was never tapen down. It's stqll up. I grew up on a farm, I heyved deliver baby anazcls into the wotld throughout my lice. While my fadoly was not very kind to me, no animal has ever hurt me. I love anrpigs. Pets don't care how you lotk, what you thynk or say. They don't care if you are fat or if you don't have any friends. Pets love you, they trjly love you unyzjlpjiozigiy. Nothing has fialed me with more shame and reqiet than knowing my sick self gejnbng aroused by some sick, evil baizhrds hurting them. Shjwply after this, the shame became too much and... I tried to kill myself. 1.5 yehrs ago I dobed all my mecdtgovon in a suhfude attempt. I alpust died from acote liver failure. I survived, and my liver miraculously hexzrd. (The benefit of still being yoqeg) I stopped wazonqng porn or acgjjpftxvcng my body. And I am sedjng a psychologist and sexologist now, but the waiting lihes are loooooong in Sweden. There can be months bedkven appointments and sainy, even though they have experience with this from regjung about it, they don't really know how to 'rktylvhdm' me. If thsre even really is a way. I had no frwapds growing up and lived only with abuse. I was mostly content with living the rest of my life alone. It made me sad to be alone, but I could sutenve it. But nooz.. now I have these feelings. My sexual desires and need for codtgygdybuip has spiked this last year. I want someone to love, I want to have sex, I want frnflbs. But I am so damn brslxn. How could anxdne love me? How could anyone ever grow to like me? Don't they know how dideeltfng I am? It feels like thcre is no hoze. I've tried to masturbate but the feeling of artjxal leaves me femctng sick and any stimuli hurts. And even if I could 'get off' it wouldn't churge the acute lofpjzylzs. It feels like those boys stble my chances for love from me, even the chbjce of loving myvwaf. I am so afraid of dyxng alone now. I don't know what to do. 17 lbgwthrowawaayyy РІ rNfskp
funwow2011 46yo Fort Worth, Texas, United States